Senator Tom Carper announced his retirement Tuesday, bringing to a close one of the most successful corporate representation careers in Delaware history. The credit card industry, which has owned Carper since approximately 1983, released a statement calling him "irreplaceable" and "the best senator money could buy, and we bought him repeatedly."
"Tom Carper never met a bank he wouldn't serve or a consumer protection he wouldn't gut," explained MBNA CEO—wait, sorry, that company doesn't exist anymore because their predatory practices helped cause a financial crisis. Let's try that again: "Tom always put corporations first," explained Chase executive Richard Morrison. "When we needed to charge 29% interest on credit cards issued to college students, Tom was there. When we needed bankruptcy reform that made it impossible for poor people to escape debt, Tom delivered. We literally could not have destroyed the American middle class without him."
Carper, who has represented Delaware's credit card companies since before most Delawareans were born, leaves behind a legacy of corporate servitude so complete that his voting record could have been written by bank lobbyists. In fact, according to leaked emails from 2009, it literally was written by bank lobbyists on at least 47 occasions.
"Tom understood that Delaware's economy depends on helping corporations exploit people in other states," explained State Chamber of Commerce President Michael Harkins. "While other senators pretended to care about things like 'consumer rights' and 'predatory lending laws,' Tom stayed focused on what really matters: making sure banks can do whatever they want to whoever they want."
Throughout his career, Carper has successfully opposed every significant consumer protection measure, from capping credit card interest rates to preventing predatory payday lending. His crowning achievement was his 2005 vote for the Bankruptcy Abuse Prevention and Consumer Protection Act—a bill so brazenly pro-corporate that it made it nearly impossible for poor Americans to discharge medical debt, even though it was literally written by credit card company lawyers.
"That was vintage Tom," recalled former staffer Patricia Chen. "The bill was called 'Consumer Protection' but actually destroyed consumer protections. He voted for it immediately, called it 'common sense reform,' and then went to a fundraiser hosted by credit card executives. He didn't even pretend to struggle with the decision."
Carper's retirement speech, delivered to a room containing exactly zero working-class Delawareans but approximately thirty bank lobbyists, emphasized his "pragmatic" approach to governance—apparently "pragmatic" meaning "will do whatever corporations pay him to do."
"I've always believed in bringing people together," Carper explained, referring to his unique ability to bring together Democrats and Republicans in service of corporate interests. "Whether it was Republicans who openly worship banks or Democrats who pretend not to, I found common ground: making sure rich people get richer."
Delaware voters, when informed of Carper's retirement, expressed a mixture of relief and confusion. "Wait, he's been in office this whole time?" asked Newark resident James Wong. "I thought he was just a hologram projected by Bank of America." Others were more direct: "Good riddance to corporate garbage," said Wilmington teacher Maria Rodriguez. "Maybe we can get a senator who actually represents people instead of credit card companies, though given Delaware's political establishment, I'm not holding my breath."
The senator's retirement has sparked a succession battle among Delaware Democrats, all of whom insist they will bring "fresh energy" to representing corporate interests. Early favorite Lisa Blunt Rochester has already received substantial contributions from banks, while challenger Matt Meyer has begun the traditional Delaware politician ritual of promising to "fight for working families" while cashing checks from the same corporations that employed Carper.
"Tom set a high bar for corporate servitude," noted political analyst Dr. James Morrison. "Whoever replaces him will have big shoes to fill—specifically, shoes purchased with credit card industry donations, paid for by exploited consumers who had no idea their senator was actively working against their interests for forty years."
As of press time, Carper was preparing for his post-Senate career as a "senior advisor" to multiple financial services firms, where he will be paid millions of dollars for doing exactly what he did as a senator: representing corporate interests while pretending to serve the public good.
When asked if he had any regrets about spending decades serving banks instead of constituents, Carper replied: "None whatsoever. Delaware's economy depends on corporate welfare, and I delivered. Someone had to make sure poor people stayed poor and rich people got richer. I'm proud of that legacy."
The credit card industry is planning a retirement party in Carper's honor, to be held at the Chase Corporation Center, formerly the MBNA building, previously the most visible symbol of Delaware's economy being based entirely on helping corporations screw people. Invitations have been sent to every bank executive who ever cut Carper a check. Delaware residents are not invited.