After decades of heated debate and $2.3 million in testing, environmental scientists at the University of Delaware have officially confirmed that the Christina River is, in fact, mostly water.
"We're pleased to announce that approximately 73% of the Christina River is H2O," declared Dr. Patricia Moore at a press conference Tuesday. "The remaining 27% is a fascinating mixture of shopping carts, mysterious liquids, and what we're calling 'Delaware Dreams'—the aspirations of people who moved here thinking the state had beaches."
The study was commissioned after years of residents insisting the Christina was "definitely something else," with popular theories including "mostly runoff," "industrial residue with water added," and "a sentient entity testing our patience."
The comprehensive breakdown shows:
• 73% Water (H2O)
• 18% Shopping carts and bicycle frames
• 6% Liquids of mysterious origin
• 3% Dreams of people who confused Delaware with Maryland beaches
"This is actually better than we expected," admitted Riverfront resident Michael Chen. "I've been calling it 'river-adjacent substance' for twelve years. Learning it's mostly actual water is encouraging."
The Riverfront Development Corporation celebrated the findings by announcing a $400 million renovation project that will "definitely not displace anyone," according to spokesperson Jennifer Walsh, who added "we promise" three times in a single sentence, which legal experts note is "never a good sign."
Plans include installing new walkways, adding luxury apartments, and creating what developers call "curated river experiences" that residents fear means "expensive and exclusionary."
"We're excited to enhance the Christina River waterfront for all residents," Walsh continued, "by which we mean people who can afford $2,800 studio apartments with river views."
As of press time, several of the shopping carts identified in the study have been successfully removed, though researchers note they "keep coming back, like salmon returning to spawn, except sadder."