Senator Chris Coons expressed genuine bewilderment Monday that Delaware constituents have somehow connected his $4.2 million in AIPAC donations to his unwavering support for Israel's actions in Gaza, which international courts and human rights organizations have characterized as genocide.
"I'm shocked—shocked!—that people are following the money," Coons explained while depositing another check from the American Israel Public Affairs Committee. "It's not like there's a direct line between the largest pro-Israel lobbying organization in America giving me millions of dollars and my votes to send billions in military aid to a country currently facing genocide accusations at The Hague. That would be corruption."
The senator, who has received more AIPAC money than any other Delaware politician in history, insists his foreign policy positions are based solely on "complex geopolitical considerations" and definitely not on the fact that AIPAC has openly threatened to fund primary challengers against any politician who criticizes Israel.
Delaware voters who naively expected their senator to represent them rather than foreign government interests expressed frustration. "I voted for Chris because I thought he was a moderate," said former constituent Jennifer Martinez. "I didn't realize 'moderate' meant 'will support war crimes if the check clears.'"
When pressed on whether $4.2 million in donations from a single lobbying organization might constitute undue influence on foreign policy, Coons became defensive. "This is anti-Semitic," he insisted, deploying the standard deflection tactic despite the fact that many of his critics are Jewish Americans who object to Palestinian children being killed with American weapons.
"I have always supported Israel's right to defend itself," Coons continued, apparently unaware that international law does not, in fact, grant occupying powers the right to bomb hospitals, schools, and refugee camps. "The situation is nuanced."
The "nuance," according to financial disclosure forms, appears to be approximately $4.2 million worth of campaign contributions, speaking fees, and junkets to Tel Aviv, all carefully documented by OpenSecrets.org and other campaign finance watchdogs that Coons presumably hopes his constituents won't consult.
Local activists have begun showing up at Coons' public events with uncomfortable questions like "how many dead Palestinian children is your political career worth?" and "can you name a single action by Israel you wouldn't support?" To date, the senator has been unable to answer either question, though he did once mumble something about "both sides" before hastily leaving through a back exit.
"Look, I care deeply about human rights," Coons explained at a recent town hall, before voting to block a UN ceasefire resolution for the 14th time. "I just care about them slightly less than I care about my next primary election, where AIPAC has promised to spend $10 million destroying anyone who crosses them."
The senator's office released a statement emphasizing his "longstanding commitment to peace in the Middle East," a commitment that apparently includes voting for every weapons package, opposing every ceasefire, and never once using the words "occupation," "apartheid," or "war crimes" despite the consensus of international human rights organizations.
Delaware voters seeking alternatives have discovered that AIPAC has effectively captured both major parties, leaving them with the choice between politicians who openly support Israeli actions and politicians who support Israeli actions while pretending to care about Palestinian rights.
"At least Coons is honest about being bought," noted political analyst Dr. Sarah Torres. "Unlike some Democrats who tweet about human rights and then vote exactly the same way. The corruption is bipartisan—it's one of the few things both parties agree on."
As of press time, Coons was preparing for another "fact-finding mission" to Israel, sponsored by AIPAC, where he will tour carefully selected sites and meet with no Palestinians whatsoever before returning to Delaware to explain why the situation is "too complicated" for constituents to understand.
When asked if he would consider returning the $4.2 million and supporting actual human rights rather than whatever AIPAC tells him to support, Coons replied: "Let me be clear—" before being drowned out by protestors chanting "Not in our name." He exited quickly, presumably to cash another check.