The National Weather Service announced Tuesday that Delaware's climate has officially "given up on making sense" and will now feature all four seasons simultaneously, sometimes within the same hour.
"Tuesday's forecast calls for snow at 9 AM, followed by a heat wave at noon, autumn foliage at 3 PM, and a surprise hurricane at dinner," explained Channel 6 meteorologist Dave Henderson, who has stopped trying to explain Delaware weather and now just gestures vaguely at a screen full of question marks.
"We've abandoned traditional forecasting methods," Henderson admitted. "Now we just tell people to dress in layers. All of them. Simultaneously. And maybe bring an ark, just in case."
The announcement follows a particularly chaotic week in which Wilmington experienced:
• Monday: 35°F in the morning, 78°F by lunch, tornado warning at dinner
• Tuesday: Blizzard conditions replaced by summer thunderstorms within two hours
• Wednesday: All four seasons before 10 AM, then "something we can't identify" at noon
• Thursday: Weather gave up entirely and just played static on radar
"I went outside in shorts and a t-shirt," reported Riverfront resident Jennifer Martinez. "By the time I walked to my car, I needed a parka, an umbrella, sunglasses, and therapy."
Delaware residents are advised to carry parkas, swimsuits, umbrellas, snow boots, sunscreen, and existential dread at all times. The state has also issued guidance suggesting that citizens "just accept chaos as the baseline" and "stop asking questions we can't answer."
"This explains so much about why everyone at the Riverfront Market looks confused year-round," noted downtown worker Michael Chen. "We're not confused about life—we're just trying to figure out what we're supposed to be wearing."
Climate scientists at the University of Delaware say the phenomenon is "unprecedented but also somehow exactly what we'd expect from Delaware." Dr. Patricia Torres noted that "the weather has always been chaotic here, but now it's just being honest about it."
"At least we have no sales tax," Torres added, then immediately reconsidered whether that was relevant to weather patterns.
As of press time, the forecast for tomorrow was listed as "¯\_(ツ)_/¯" with a 100% chance of "something, probably."