The DuPont family, whose chemical empire poisoned Delaware's water, soil, and air for over a century while extracting billions in profits, held a press conference Monday to formally acknowledge their environmental crimes and politely request that everyone stop bringing it up already.
"Yes, we contaminated literally every body of water in Delaware with toxic chemicals," explained family spokesperson James DuPont IV, standing in front of the Hagley Museum—a monument to industrial capitalism built on the site where his ancestors began manufacturing gunpowder and environmental devastation. "Yes, we knew our chemicals were carcinogenic. Yes, we deliberately hid that information while people died. But look at this museum! We funded this! Can't we just call it even?"
The admission comes after decades of lawsuits, scientific studies, and investigative journalism documenting the DuPont Company's systematic contamination of Delaware with PFAS chemicals, also known as "forever chemicals" because they never break down and will poison the earth for centuries after the DuPont family has spent their blood money.
DuPont's most notorious crime involved contaminating drinking water with C8, a toxic chemical used in Teflon manufacturing, which the company knew caused cancer, birth defects, and other health problems as early as 1961 but continued using for over forty years while thousands of Delaware residents unknowingly consumed poisoned water.
"In our defense, we made a lot of money," explained DuPont IV. "Like, billions of dollars. We became one of the wealthiest families in American history by manufacturing chemicals we knew were killing people. If you think about it from that perspective, the poisoning makes total sense. It's just basic capitalism: privatize profits, externalize harms, let poor people deal with the cancer."
The family pointed to their philanthropic efforts as evidence they've atoned for systematically poisoning an entire state. These efforts include funding museums that celebrate their industrial legacy while downplaying the environmental devastation, endowing university programs that bear their name, and occasionally donating to environmental causes after being forced to do so by lawsuits.
"We've given millions to charity," insisted family member Patricia DuPont-Rockefeller. "Sure, we extracted billions by poisoning people, but we gave back millions. That's like a 1% return rate on harm done. Very generous, if you think about it. Most robber barons don't even give back that much."
Delaware residents who have suffered health effects from DuPont's pollution—including cancer clusters near former manufacturing sites, reproductive issues linked to chemical exposure, and contaminated drinking water affecting thousands of families—expressed less enthusiasm about the family's philanthropy.
"My father died of kidney cancer caused by C8 contamination," said Wilmington resident Maria Santos. "The DuPonts knew that chemical was carcinogenic and kept using it anyway. They settled the lawsuit for peanuts and never admitted wrongdoing. Now they want credit for funding a museum? They should be in prison, not having buildings named after them."
The extent of DuPont's environmental crimes is staggering: PFAS contamination affects Delaware's drinking water, soil contamination surrounds former manufacturing sites, chemical waste was dumped directly into the Delaware River for decades, worker safety was deliberately ignored, and the company fought every regulatory effort to limit pollution while maintaining lobbying operations that successfully weakened environmental laws.
"The DuPont family represents American capitalism in its purest form," explained environmental historian Dr. Robert Chen. "Extract wealth by externalizing harm onto workers and communities, use that wealth to buy political influence that prevents accountability, then rehabilitate your image through strategic philanthropy. It's textbook plutocracy."
The family's relationship with Delaware politics has been incestuous for generations. Every major Delaware politician—from Joe Biden to Tom Carper to Chris Coons—has received substantial campaign contributions from the DuPonts and related corporate interests. In return, Delaware has maintained some of the most corporation-friendly environmental regulations in America.
"We essentially own Delaware," admitted DuPont IV. "Not legally, obviously. But functionally? Yes. We bought the political system decades ago. That's how we got away with poisoning everyone for so long. It's not a bug, it's a feature. You can't regulate industrial pollution if industrialists own the regulators."
When pressed on whether the family felt any genuine remorse for causing cancer, birth defects, and environmental devastation that will persist for centuries, DuPont IV became defensive.
"We feel terrible," he insisted, in a tone suggesting he felt nothing whatsoever. "But what do you want us to do? Give the money back? Spend our inherited wealth on actually cleaning up the mess we made? That's unreasonable. We're rich because we externalized costs. Making us internalize those costs would defeat the entire purpose of capitalism."
The press conference concluded with the family unveiling a new charitable initiative: a $5 million donation to fund a research center studying PFAS contamination—the very contamination the DuPonts caused—to be housed at the University of Delaware in a building that will, naturally, be named after the DuPont family.
"We're funding research into the problem we created," explained DuPont IV. "That's how you turn environmental crime into philanthropy. Step one: poison everyone. Step two: fund research into the poisoning. Step three: get a building named after you. Step four: have people forget you caused the problem in the first place. It's reputation laundering as institutional policy."
Delaware environmental activists, when informed of the family's attempt at rehabilitation through strategic charity, expressed exhaustion.
"They poisoned us for profit, fought every attempt at accountability, bought the political system to prevent regulation, and now want credit for donating a tiny fraction of their blood money to study the problems they caused," said activist Jennifer Rodriguez. "This is generational gaslighting. They're literally asking us to thank them for partially funding research into the cancer they gave us."
As of press time, the DuPont family was planning their next philanthropic venture: a $10 million donation to fund an arts center in Wilmington, which will definitely make people forget about the generations of Delaware residents poisoned by industrial chemicals. The center will feature a permanent exhibit on the DuPont family's "legacy of innovation"—the innovation of figuring out how to profit from poisoning people while avoiding accountability.