In a decision that residents are already describing as "catastrophically dumb," the Trolley Square Community Association voted last month to install an actual functioning trolley in their neighborhood, only to discover within days why trolleys largely vanished from American cities.
"We thought it would be charming," admitted association president Karen Whitmore while watching the trolley plow through her recycling bins. "We have been profoundly humbled by reality."
The historic neighborhood, which has been named after trolleys since 1917 despite not having any, successfully lobbied the city for $2.4 million in grant funding to install a half-mile trolley line. The result has been "a complete disaster," according to 97% of residents surveyed.
The trolley, which began operating three weeks ago, runs every 12 minutes and has already been involved in eight accidents, blocked traffic 34 times, and caused what police are describing as "unprecedented parking rage."
"I have to budget an extra 45 minutes for any trip," explained resident Michael Torres. "The trolley moves at approximately 8 miles per hour and stops every 200 feet. A mobility scooter would be faster. I think that's why we stopped using trolleys in the first place."
The nostalgia factor wore off within approximately six hours, according to surveys. Now residents are petitioning to have it removed, but the city says they signed a 20-year operating agreement.
"This is a learning opportunity," said City Council member Sarah Chen. "They wanted authenticity. Now they're learning why their grandparents' generation switched to buses."
As of press time, Trolley Square was considering changing its name to "Uber/Lyft Square" or just "The Square Formerly Known as Trolley."