Political Corruption
Delaware senator expresses genuine bewilderment that constituents tracked his foreign lobbying money to ongoing war crimes in Gaza. "I'm shocked—shocked!—that people are following the money," Coons said while depositing another AIPAC check. The senator insists his $4.2 million in pro-Israel donations has absolutely nothing to do with his votes to send billions in military aid to a country currently facing genocide accusations at The Hague. "It's about shared values," he explained, apparently meaning the value of his bank account.
By Political Corruption Desk • 2 hours ago
Follow The Blood Money →
Environmental Crime
Chemical dynasty acknowledges environmental crimes but points to museum donations as adequate compensation. "Yes, we gave everyone cancer with C8 and PFAS forever chemicals," said family spokesperson at dedication of new hospital wing. "But we also funded the wing where you get treated for that cancer, so we're basically even." Family suggests Delawareans focus on "moving forward" rather than their destroyed kidneys and $4 billion in lawsuit settlements.
By Environmental Justice Desk • 5 hours ago
Read Their Confession →
Corporate Welfare
State officials acknowledge Delaware is "basically the Cayman Islands but with worse weather and a Wawa." Economic Development Director confirms what everyone knew: those 280,000 companies "headquartered" in that single building on North Orange Street have never employed a single Delawarean. "We're not a state, we're a loophole with a governor," admitted official while collecting incorporation fees from three new shell companies formed during the interview.
By Economic Justice Desk • 6 hours ago
Explore The Scam →
Gentrification
Brooklyn transplants who paid $650k for rowhomes shocked that longtime residents haven't been fully displaced yet. "We moved here for the authentic urban character," complained one tech worker at community meeting, "but there are still actual working-class people ruining the vibe." Same residents complain about "lack of diversity" in neighborhood they personally made unaffordable for anyone making under $150k. Local barber of 30 years can no longer afford property tax on shop gentrifiers Instagram daily.
By Gentrification Watch Desk • 8 hours ago
Witness The Displacement →
Political Comedy
Former Governor accumulates $847 in parking tickets after losing his motorcade and designated spots. "I've been circling Market Street for three hours," Carney texted staff while missing fourth consecutive meeting. The man who ran entire state for eight years defeated by Wilmington's Byzantine parking system, now considering governing via Zoom from Pennsylvania where parking is free. Staff found him Wednesday sleeping in his car at a meter he'd been feeding quarters to since Monday.
By Municipal Chaos Desk • 10 hours ago
Watch Him Circle →
Development Scam
RDC unveils luxury complex with 20 "affordable" units at $2,400/month marketed as community benefit. "This development will transform lives," said executive director about building where cheapest unit costs more than median Wilmington income. The project will create "hundreds of jobs" (all minimum wage service positions for people who can't afford to live there). Displaced residents offered "priority consideration" for apartments they'll never qualify for.
By Development & Displacement Desk • 12 hours ago
See The Scam →
Corporate Sellout
Banking executives hold candlelight vigil for senator who faithfully served their interests for 24 years. "Tom never let us down," wept Chase CEO, "not once in 847 votes did he side with consumers over credit card companies." Bank of America flying flags at half-staff, Capital One considering renaming headquarters "Carper Tower" in honor of senator who helped them legally charge 29.99% APR. His retirement package from the Senate surprisingly matches his lifetime "campaign contributions" from banks.
By Corporate Ownership Desk • 14 hours ago
Count The Bribes →
Environmental Study
$2.3 million study reveals river is 73% water, 18% shopping carts, 6% mystery liquids, 3% crushed dreams. "This is a major victory," announced EPA officials about waterway that hasn't supported life since 1987. Study methodology involved throwing things in river and seeing if they dissolved, caught fire, or mutated. Researchers notably declined to taste test any samples, citing "strong desire to live." Results considered "encouraging" because water percentage increased from last decade's 61%.
By Toxic Waters Desk • 16 hours ago
View The Data →
Cultural Achievement
Museum displays 10,000+ traffic screenshots as contemporary art capturing "the Delaware commuter experience." New exhibition features color-coded Google Maps screenshots ranging from "mild suffering orange" to "existential crisis deep red." "This collection perfectly captures the soul of Delaware," said curator about walls of identical highway gridlock photos. Gift shop now selling $45 prints of your specific traffic jam. Opening gala attendees spent three hours stuck on I-95 trying to arrive.
By Cultural Affairs • 18 hours ago
View The Gridlock →
Truth in Advertising
Tourism board considers more honest messaging after new residents discover the "full financial picture." "We're tired of people moving here for tax savings then having mental breakdowns when they get their first property tax bill," explained state official. Proposed new slogans include "Delaware: No Sales Tax But Everything Else Will Bankrupt You" and "Save 6% on Purchases, Pay 300% More for Housing." Pennsylvania residents still shopping here, just not living here.
By Tax Reality Desk • 20 hours ago
Feel The Pain →
Climate Chaos
National Weather Service announces Delaware climate has abandoned traditional seasons for chaotic hourly mood swings. "We've stopped trying to predict it," said meteorologist after morning snow became afternoon 78°F beach weather followed by evening tornado. Residents now carrying winter coats, swimsuits, and umbrellas at all times. Weather app just displays shruggi
ng emoji for Delaware forecast. Scientists blame combination of climate change and Delaware being cursed since its founding.
By Climate Suffering Desk • 22 hours ago
Check Your Misery →
Identity Crisis
City officials formally acknowledge Wilmington is essentially a bedroom community for Philly workers and a corporate tax dodge, not an actual city. "We're done pretending," said spokesperson at press conference attended by three reporters (two from Philadelphia). New city slogan options include "Wilmington: It's Like Philly But Worse" and "At Least We're Not Camden." Dating apps now automatically change "Wilmington" to "Outside Philadelphia" in user profiles.
By Regional Inferiority Desk • 1 day ago
Accept The Truth →
Infrastructure Hell
Highway project originally scheduled for 18 months in 1978 now hosts endangered species in its permanent construction zones. "We're in the final phase," announced DelDOT, same statement they've made since Clinton administration. Construction cones have been there so long they're registered to vote. Three generations of the same family have worked on the project, passing down both jobs and the inability to finish anything. Google Maps just shows a permanent question mark for the area.
By Infrastructure Failure Desk • 1 day ago
Feel The Rage →
Crime Comedy
New Castle County Police arrest local man responsible for 30+ tire slashings in Brandywood and Wynnwood after discovering pamphlets titled "Have You Considered Biking?" at crime scenes. "I was just really passionate about reducing carbon emissions," explained suspect who caused $47,000 in damages to promote alternative transportation. Ironically, victims all bought second cars as backup vehicles, doubling neighborhood's carbon footprint. Judge sentenced him to fix every tire while cars idle, maximizing emissions.
By Crime Beat Reporter • 2 days ago
Check Your Tires →
Inheritance Comedy
Three DuPont descendants discover they've been meal-prepping and using coupons while unknowingly sitting on $47 million trust funds. "I've been working in accounting for 15 years," sobbed Margaret DuPont-Henderson, who just learned she could've bought the entire company. Family lawyer forgot to mention the trusts, assumed they knew about the fortune. One heir had been driving Uber weekends to make rent on apartment overlooking mansion he actually owns. "I thought DuPont was just our last name," explained another, "not a fortune built on poisoning Delaware."
By Oligarchy Watch • 2 days ago
Check Your Trusts →
Peak Hypocrisy
Wealthy 40 Acres residents hold meeting to acknowledge their privilege, then immediately vote to block affordable housing development. "We recognize we're part of the problem," said homeowner before explaining why poors would ruin property values. Meeting featured land acknowledgment, pronouns, and commitment to "do better" followed by unanimous vote against apartments because "neighborhood character." Their "In This House We Believe" signs remain up, now with asterisks for terms and conditions.
By Liberal Hypocrisy Desk • 3 days ago
Witness The Privilege →
Neighborhood Karma
Historic neighborhood installs actual trolley, discovers why they stopped running after it causes "unprecedented parking rage." "We thought it would be charming," said resident whose car was crushed by authentic 1920s streetcar. The trolley runs once daily at 3 AM, costs $47 per ride, and only goes to closed businesses. Gentrifiers who wanted "authentic character" now furious about authentic lack of parking. Property values dropped 30% overnight. Trolley conductor is only happy person in neighborhood.
By Transit Disasters • 3 days ago
Hear The Bell →
Food Safety Horror
Health inspectors discover six-year-old salmon preserved through "Old Bay and positive thinking." "We just kept adding more seasoning," explained fishmonger about seafood that predates COVID. Customers who complained about taste were told they "don't understand artisanal aging." The $28/lb "fresh" tuna has its own Wikipedia page documenting its journey through multiple presidential administrations. Market response: raising prices to reflect "vintage status" of their prehistoric pescado.
By Public Health Nightmares • 4 days ago
Smell The Fish →
Sports Absurdity
Minor league team replaces beloved Mr. Celery with actual painted rock on a dolly. "We wanted something that represents Delaware's dynamism and energy," said management about inanimate object that doesn't move. Rock sits motionless during seventh-inning stretch, perfectly capturing enthusiasm of Delaware baseball. Fans say it's more animated than previous mascot. T-shirt cannon now just someone throwing pebbles at crowd. Mascot race is just staff slowly wheeling rock around bases for 45 minutes.
By Sports Desk • 4 days ago
See The Rock →
Labor Movement
Zoo animals unionize after realizing their climate-controlled enclosures have better amenities than $1,800 Trolley Square studios. "The otters have waterfront property and we have lead paint," complained human resident visiting zoo. Capybara leads negotiations, demanding same rental protections as humans (none) and same water quality as humans (also terrible). Red panda files grievance that its habitat still nicer than most Newark student housing. Zoo agrees to worsen conditions to match city standards.
By Interspecies Relations • 5 days ago
Support The Strike →
Tourism Truth
Beach towns acknowledge they're functionally identical to Jersey Shore but with no sales tax and higher prices. "We've been lying for decades," admitted Rehoboth mayor while standing in medical waste. "Same polluted water, same Pennsylvanian crowds, but we charge $40 more for parking." Bethany Beach changes slogan from "Quiet Resort" to "Slightly Less Trashy Than Wildwood." Ocean City, MD, laughs at all of them while actually having amenities.
By Tourism Reality Check • 5 days ago
Pay Beach Fees →
Urban Planning Fiction
Downtown's main street celebrates nearly five decades of perpetually being "on the cusp" of revitalization. "This time is different," says city planner using same PowerPoint from 1987, just with updated fonts. Street features 73% vacancy rate being marketed as "opportunity for growth." Only thriving businesses are bail bondsmen and the guy who sells loose cigarettes. Renaissance officially outlasted actual Renaissance period. Archaeologists studying it as evidence of persistent human delusion.
By False Hope Bureau • 6 days ago
See Empty Stores →
Geographic Illiteracy
Survey reveals 87% of UD students think Wilmington is "somewhere near Philadelphia, probably." Senior who lived in Newark four years discovers there's an actual city nearby, has existential crisis. "I thought Delaware was just Newark, beaches, and that mall," said graduate who never left Main Street. Students shocked to learn their tuition could've bought three Wilmington houses. University continues pretending Wilmington doesn't exist except when they need "urban engagement" grant money.
By Higher Ed Bubble • 6 days ago
Draw A Map →
Educational Disaster
Christina School Board's monthly tradition of accomplishing nothing while yelling for three hours continues unbroken. This month featured 90 minutes arguing about Robert's Rules, two members storming out, and zero decisions about actual education. "We made real progress," said board president about meeting where only consensus was mutual hatred. Meanwhile, kids still can't read but board members can all cite parliamentary procedure from memory. Next meeting already pre-scheduled for failure.
By Education Disaster Desk • 7 days ago
Watch Democracy Die →